Lady Links

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You just never know what you’re gonna get.”  Recognize that quote?  It’s from the movie, “Forrest Gump,” which is one of my favorites.

That quote can be interpreted many different ways, and I think the movie did a great job of showing how Forrest Gump took each event in his life and made it something positive.  That being said, I looked at a box of assorted chocolates recently trying to make a decision about which one to select. I thought about what Forrest Gump’s mother said, and I didn’t want to fall into the category of relying on “chance” to get what I knew I wanted.  My hope was that I would get a piece that had a creamy center.  That’s when I realized that there were clues to what was inside each piece if I only knew where to look.

Have you done that? Looked for clues to help make a good choice?  The most obvious suggestion is to look on the bottom of the box or inside the lid where sometimes a diagram with a description of each piece is given.  Since there wasn’t a diagram with this particular box of candy, I needed to rely on my observations such as shapes and sizes of each individual piece.  I made the smart decision to avoid the bumpy pieces since they most likely were filled with nuts so I looked for a rounded piece without the lumps.

In other words, a trained eye can make a reasonable choice which will likely result in the desired outcome (deliciousness!)

As I savored the piece that I had successfully selected according to my individual preferences, I thought about Lady-Links.  As we visit our dear friends with dementia, someone who isn’t familiar with us might conclude that we can’t possibly know “what we’re gonna get.”  Yet, Lady-Links are discerning enough (through our training, our experiences and our temperaments) to make choices that will lead to a successful outcome.  There are certain signs or clues we look for, thus preventing the anxiety of the unknown.

We set the stage for a successful outcome by learning all we can about dementia and planning carefully for each visit.  We have planning meetings, called Link-ups, several times a year where we have training sessions, dementia education updates, discussions and feedback regarding our approach to friendship visits with the ladies in our community who have dementia.  Within reason, “we know what we’re gonna get” and since reason doesn’t always fall in the same sentence with dementia, we prepare for those situations as well.  As a result, Forrest Gump’s mama might have to amend her advice when talking with Lady-Links to something like this, “Life is like a box of chocolates.  You Lady-Links probably know what you’re gonna get.”

Lady-Links are “chocolate-candy-picking experts” who I know would have walked over to sit beside Forrest Gump as he sat alone on that bench waiting for a bus to arrive.  We would have engaged him in conversation, eaten some of the chocolates he offered, and encouraged him along his journey.  As Lady-Links, we open each “box of chocolates” with confidence every time we visit our dear friends, knowing that our choices will be the best possible ones given the situation we’re facing.

Don’t let visiting a friend or loved one with dementia or even picking out a piece of chocolate from a box of unknowns overwhelm you. Learn all that you can and make the decision to go for it.  Try it, you’ll like it!

 

 

 

Lady-Links is a type of support group for ladies with dementia, bringing friendship and support to every visit.

Miriam-Webster defines a support group as “a group of people with common experiences and concerns who provide emotional and moral support for one another.” Many of our Lady-Links have or had a family member with dementia.  All of our Lady-Links have friends with dementia.

We offer the dear friends we visit encouragement and support because we have seen firsthand the concerns that any type of dementia brings on the person who has been diagnosed with it. We listen, we respond, and we smile.  We offer suggestions when help is needed, and we react with love, patience and kindness when doing it.

We know how to guide and empower our dear friends and how to offer them a sense of community. We let them know that their lives matter and have value. We help our dear friends find links to their past memories and pay attention when they connect.  We let them know that they are still the wonderful person they were before they were diagnosed, and our actions show that we value their friendship.

On the surface our visits look like any visit to a friend would look.  What is not seen is all the training, planning and preparation that goes into each and every visit to make it provide “emotional and moral support” for our dear friend.

After all, that’s what good friends and support groups do…provide emotional and moral support. Lady-Links serve in both capacities and do so with love and laughter too!

All of us face change, and if we’re honest, we usually just want to reach out and grab something to help stabilize us.  Change isn’t easy for anyone, but it can really be difficult when what you’re holding on to for support disappears.

Imagine what it must be like for a person who is given a diagnosis of dementia.  Their life, as they know it, will begin to change drastically with the known replaced by the unknown.

This difficult journey can be made less difficult by friends and family who help them acknowledge the complexities of this change and offer help for what lies ahead. Knowing what kind of help to offer is important, and learning from those ahead of us on this journey helps.

When reading blogs and diaries written by those in the early stages of their dementia diagnosis, there is a pattern of concerns that seems to emerge.  They want to:

• Stay Connected to Others,
• Continue to Do the Things they Enjoy, and
• Still Contribute Something Worthwhile to Life.

As Lady-Links, we plan our visits with those concerns in mind.  Our visits help our dear friends maintain connections to those things important to them. Connecting to others with activities they enjoy while helping them feel a sense of significance and value is a part of our visit strategy.

We can’t always control the changes we face but we can control the way we face those changes. Lady-Links visits help our dear friends enrich their lives by controlling at least one part of the week’s schedule by adding love and laughter through the bonds of friendship.

According to the families of our dear friends, our visits help soften the changes that dementia brings and, as Lady-Links, we’re thankful we can do that.

What does the word “embrace” mean to you? For Lady-Links, we use both definitions that “embrace” suggest. We “support willingly and enthusiastically” the beliefs that our dear friends have, and we use meaningful touch such as a hug as “a sign of affection.”

In other words, we embrace our dear friends emotionally and physically.  Whether we’re playing scrabble, card games, making a craft,  playing the hand chimes or singing along to recorded music we do it “willingly and enthusiastically.”

The interesting thing is that although we made a deliberate effort during the first couple of visits to embrace (support) whatever activity that engaged our dear friend, we have found that we developed a true passion for what we are doing.  As a result of truly enjoying embracing (supporting) what is meaningful to our dear friends, the embraces (signs of affection) are real and spontaneous.

Hugs, arms around shoulders, holding hands and stroking arms all come naturally as they would with any friend with whom we’ve formed a bond.

We’ve learned to embrace the present moment because that’s where our dear friends live.  So whatever form of the definition you choose, embrace your dear friend or loved one and you’ll find it brings joy to you both.

 

When visiting our dear friends with dementia, we’ve found that engaging a person is easier when there is something on which to focus her attention. There are three broad categories which work well:  Shared Interests, Shared Experiences, and Shared Celebrations.

Our Show and Tell visits are very successful in getting the dear friend to connect to a particular topic and even to add to the conversation.

Shared Interests

We’ve used objects such as pets, pottery, jewelry, pictures, collectibles, decorative items, art works and even things from our gardens as props.   The same is true with the crafts that we make.

These items inspire comments about what they are, how they are used and why they are special.

Shared Experiences

Lady-Links are trained to relate many of the visits to memories from their childhood experiences, which in turn spark a memory for our dear friends.

Shared Celebrations

Everyone has a birthday, so celebrating the birthdays of our dear friend is a great way to connect.

Holidays provide opportunities for special activities, refreshments, and decorations.

Conversation, even a few words, is treasured when shared by a dear friend.  We’ve seen links formed between the present day and the past resulting in delightful discussions.  We recognize that the dialogue might be short but it stimulates cognitive and emotional function and helps keep the brain active.

Lady-Links visits are designed to help our dear friends maintain links to keep them mentally involved and emotionally secure while enriching their lives with love and laughter.

Want to get something done?  It won’t get accomplished unless you take that first step.  Empty shoes aren’t going to move by themselves. (That’s a very loose interpretation of Newton’s First Law of Motion!)

Taking one step, even a small step, in the right direction can be the beginning of something amazing.

Sometimes that first step can be the hardest.  It takes courage to begin something new, especially if you’re not really sure if what you’re doing will work or not. That’s how it is in visiting a friend or loved one with dementia.   Each of our Lady-Links had to make a first visit, without knowing exactly what would happen.

As we share among ourselves every few months about what we’ve learned from our visits, there has never been one Lady-Link who regrets taking that first step.

I know we all remember one of the most famous quotes in history about “one small step for man leading to a giant leap for mankind” (Neil Armstrong).  Lady-Links have found that taking that first step has resulted in giant leaps toward establishing treasured friendships.

Not exactly a moon walk, but investing in the lives of others is one of the best things on earth that we can do!

Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote about it, we’re told that it’s what makes the world go round, it’s the meaning behind the name of the city of Philadelphia, and it’s found in our Lady-Links slogan. What is “it?” Of course everyone knows, the answer is love.

The Lady-Links celebrate friendship in a special way each year with a Valentine’s Party.  During the party we involve our dear friends with dementia in making valentines to give to others in our community.  This has been our tradition for years and there are benefits for everyone.  Our dear friends feel that they are able to still contribute to the happiness of others and those who receive our valentines truly appreciate that someone remembered them on such a special day.

Lady-Links express friendship love at each of our visits by treating our dear friends who have dementia with value and endearment.  Lady-Links personify the biblical commandment to “Love your neighbor as yourself” as we link love, laughter and life throughout our interactions with our dear friends and their families. For us, Valentine’s Day is year-round but we are delighted to celebrate it in a special way each February.

Enjoy pictures from our Valentine Party showing how the Lady-Links share a special bond of friendship love.

And for the dear friends who couldn’t make it to the party, we delivered their valentines to them.

With Lady-Links, there’s plenty of love to last a lifetime!

 

When I was young, I remember helping my mother pack fragile items in boxes to be shipped to family and friends through the mail. We carefully wrapped those delicate treasures in layers of newspapers and sent them on their way.

Much later, bubble wrap was invented which provided a more secure way of sending our precious things.

Multiple layers of bubble wrap around a single item is practically guaranteed to prevent it from damage.

Too bad we can’t bubble wrap our precious dear friends to protect them from the damages that the progression of dementia will bring.  It’s sad that there’s so much protection for “things” but not for “people.”

Then I remembered the old packaging slogan from years ago, “Fragile: Handle with Care” which still remains in use today.

As Lady-Links, we realize that our dear friends are fragile in many ways, especially with their emotions and their cognitive abilities.  We make every effort to show love, kindness and compassion to each dear friend while we visit her.

In other words, we “handle with care” these fragile, treasured friendships by looking for ways to encourage and inspire our dear friends by what we say and what we do.

The result is that we’ve found these small acts of caring have the potential to turn lives around even if it is just for a little while.

Although bubble wrap is a great invention for protecting breakable gifts, the Lady-Links know that handling their dear friends with loving care provides the best possible protection until a cure for Alzheimer’s and other types of dementia can be found.

 

“When all else fails, read the instructions.”

Have you heard that saying implying that the last thing most of us do is to read the instructions?  In many situations, reading the instructions will help prevent a disaster.

We all have choices in the strategies we use to successfully meet the challenges before us. Some work better than others.  Following the scientific method for problem solving is one choice but only if your investigation follows a logical path.

But what if there are no instructions, and common sense isn’t any help? What if there aren’t any warning signs along the way?

That’s what it feels like when working with a person with dementia.  There’s no blueprint to follow, only a general idea of what to do.

The Lady-Links face this occasionally during our visits with our dear friends with dementia.  We have an idea of an activity that will be meaningful, and usually they are.

But when not, we react with kindness and compassion as we transition to something that will work. We don’t count those as failures, because they may work next week.  Rather, they are opportunities to go in a new or different direction.

When a craft project doesn’t interest our dear friend, looking at pictures of her family might be just what she would enjoy.  It doesn’t mean that our planned activity isn’t appropriate, it simply means that something else would catch and hold her attention better at this particular time.

The Lady-Links understand that showing kindness works better than following a set of directions when attempting to engage our dear friends in activities, and we do that with plenty of smiles and cheerful conversation.  Never once will “failure” be a part of our vocabulary for ourselves or for our dear friends.  Our purpose is to bring joy into their lives and into ours during our visits, not to accomplish a set number of projects.  If a project isn’t finished because of lack of interest, then smiling, talking, special hugs and holding hands take its place as we transition to something else. Those little acts of kindness are the solution.

Kindness counts when all else fails!

 

When one of our dear friends has a birthday, it is an occasion to celebrate! But just as our visits are individually tailored to meet each dear friend’s needs, so are our birthday celebrations.

Some of our dear friends know it is the day of their birth and, with clues, can give us bits and pieces of information about their early years.  Yet others don’t understand the concept of birthdays any more, but simply enjoy a party atmosphere with the brightly colored decorations, the singing, the cake, and the fun party favors.

 

Our Lady-Links know how to celebrate with much fanfare or with softer, gentler demonstrations of acknowledgment.  But the purpose is the same….to celebrate life and friendship.

For us, it isn’t about age…in fact, our youngest dear friend is the one who is in the most advanced stage of Alzheimer’s.  Rather, we celebrate our dear friends’ birthdays because we believe it is a way to honor them and to show that we value our relationship with them.

It doesn’t matter whether they “get it” that it is their specific birth day…what matters is that they know that we care and have arranged an event in which they feel special.