Proud to be an American!  Young and old can celebrate the freedoms we have living in this great nation, and that includes our friends and loved ones with dementia.

At our Lady-Links visits with our dear friends who have dementia, we’ve found three ways to celebrate the American spirit during holidays like Memorial Day, Flag Day, Fourth of July, Presidents Day and Veterans Day.

#1 Do activities with a patriotic theme. 

All it takes is a supply of patriotic stickers, stars, flowers, flags, and cardstock.

We have found that the peel and stick decorations work best.  We made patriotic decorations to share with our neighbors in our retirement community.

Connecting to memories from the past such as saying the Pledge of Allegience will provide enjoyable reminders of childhood routines that were a part of every school day.

#2  Play patriotic music.

Waving our flags to recorded songs such as “Anchors Aweigh” or “Off We Go into the Wild Blue Yonder” or singing familiar childhood songs such as  “Yankee Doodle” was a great way to express our feelings of patriotism.

One of our dear friends has a set of hand chimes that she used when she was a classroom music teacher many years ago.  Our Lady-Links have learned to play them while she accompanies us on the piano.  One of our patriotic favorites to play is “She’s a Grand Old Flag.”

#3  Use a red, white and blue theme for decorations and refreshments.

At one patriotic holiday celebration Lady-Links visit, we frosted sugar cookies with red, white, and blue icing to share with our neighbors.  We ate about as many as we gave away!  Bakery cookies and cakes work just as well but there’s fun and benefit for the dear friend in helping to make them.

Engaging our dear friends in multiple celebrations about America throughout the year helps keep them connected to the values on which this country was established and helps them feel secure that they live in such a great nation.  Celebrating America using a patriotic theme in the  (1) activities, (2)  music, (3) decorations and refreshments also gives our dear friends a sense of belonging and helps them feel a part of history.

We all have things in our past that were very meaningful to us.  Perhaps it was the birth of a baby, a trip, a special anniversary, or even a career.  During our Lady-Links visits to our dear friends with cognitive impairment, we find links to their positive memories then engage them in an activity related to that past experience.  One such dear friend is a retired nurse and was an instructor in a nursing school.  She loves to talk about her former students and the way she oversaw their academic growth in their chosen career of nursing.

When we learned that our retirement community was hosting a Nurses Week Appreciation Event for retired nurses, we got the permission of our dear friend’s son to go to the celebration.  One of our Lady-Links is also a retired nurse, so it was natural to include her in our visit.

Our dear friend enjoyed the event and even volunteered to share her story as the microphone was passed from table to table.

It turns out that she was a mentor as well as an instructor to “her group of girls” as she called them.  She opened her home to them, hosting them for dinners and celebrations.  It was wonderful to hear stories of how life was “back then” for her and to learn that many of those former students still send her a card at Christmas.

Getting to know the life stories of the dear friends we visit gives us a connection point for selecting activities that will be meaningful.  How are you celebrating past memories and establishing connections with your friends and loved ones with dementia?

“You have been my friend,” replied Charlotte.  “That in itself is a tremendous thing.”    Do you recognize that quote?  It’s from Charlotte’s Web, authored by E. B. White.  Although Charlotte’s Web is typically considered a children’s book, the truths in it reach far beyond childhood.

Your loved one with dementia had an active social life once, filled with friends.  Friends from school days…

who still are friends today are priceless.  This type of long-term friendship endures all kinds of circumstances yet remains strong. “A tremendous thing.”

Even recently formed friendships made when new seasons in our life open doors allowing us to form new connections and share experiences are also “a tremendous thing.”

However, in many circumstances, when one person begins a decline in his or her cognitive ability, their number of friends begin to decline as well.  It’s not that friends don’t care, it’s just that they don’t know what to do.  So they do nothing. Not a “tremendous thing.”

So here’s the question that many are asking, “How can you get your loved one’s friends to resume their connection and come for a visit?”

THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE:

Let them know you will have something selected for them to do with your loved one during their 45 minute visit.

They don’t come because they don’t know two things:

1.  WHAT TO DO or

2.  HOW LONG TO STAY.

We prepare for weekly visits to five ladies in our community who have dementia.  We call ourselves Lady-Links because we are ladies helping other ladies successfully maintain a link to their friends.  Our examples are ones we have used at our arranged Lady-Links visits.  The same principles apply for men, just make changes where needed to something that your male loved one would enjoy.  Most of our visits begin with simple refreshments which provide an enjoyable, relaxed atmosphere, followed by activities which our friend with dementia will enjoy based on her specific interests and level of ability.

A little detective work is how you start.  You need to identify your loved one’s friends…long-time ones and recent ones.  Think of friends from school or college who live in the area, friends from their previous work,  friends from social groups such as golf or tennis clubs, friends from their church and from the neighborhood.  Contact those friends and ask them to visit in groups of two or three, staying for about 45 minutes and let them know that you will have something planned for them to do with their friend (your loved one).  Begin with refreshments and then help transition into what you have planned for the remainder of the visit.

Select from the following themes to stimulate ideas for things to do at each visit.

1.  Select an Interest theme to be done at the visit and have it ready for your loved one’s friends to use.  A balloon toss, listening or dancing to music, doing chair exercises, making a craft, or looking at scrapbooks or former school annuals are all things that your loved one will enjoy and will be easy for the friends to do. Perhaps you might work on a craft project that their church or community can use.

2.  Select a Celebration theme.

Birthdays are always fun.

Don’t forget to celebrate each new season when it arrives.

Some “unusual” special days can be celebrated with lots of amusement such as National Candy Day or National S’mores Day or National Chocolate Chip Day. It doesn’t matter that no one has ever heard of these special days.  That makes it all the more fun!

3.  Select a Holiday theme.

Making Christmas ornaments or decorations, filling Easter baskets, and making valentines are great ideas.  Just have the supplies available and the hard work already done (such as cutting out the designs).

Socialization for your loved one is an important part of his or her life.  At a recent “Mindshare” event sponsored by the Alzheimer’s Association, the importance of socialization as a part of a healthy lifestyle was emphasized with this information during a Power Point presentation:

What We Know

Social engagement is associated with living longer with fewer disabilities

Staying engaged in the community offers you an opportunity to maintain your skills

Remaining both socially and mentally active may support brain health and possibly delay the onset of dementia

When you arrange circumstances so that friends can easily visit with your loved one who has dementia, you will be helping him or her feel valued, loved and appreciated.   And that, my friend,  is a “tremendous thing.”

**********

“Why did you do all this for me?‘ he asked. ‘I don’t deserve it.  I’ve never done anything for you.’

 ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte.  ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.”

 

 

 

 

Reassurance…”the action of removing doubt and fear.”  Important when interacting with people with dementia? Absolutely.   In a confused state of mind, with memory loss included, there is no question that our dear friends with dementia face doubt and fear.  Yet, Lady-Links are able to bring reassurance to the dear friends they visit, creating an environment of trust in which everyone feels encouraged and valued.

 

We will be the first to admit that we are not caregivers and that our responsibilities with our dear friends are different from those amazing family members or professional caregivers who must address health concerns and procedures.

However, that being said, we still have a responsibility to reassure our dear friends during our hour-long visits that they are safe with us and that they are in a nonthreatening environment.  How do we do that?   Here’s three tips we use at every visit to reassure those precious ladies.

Tip #1 – Be cheerful.  Lady-Links greet the dear friend by name and with a big smile.  That cheerfulness sets the tone for the visit, dispelling the tense atmosphere that might have existed just moments before we arrived. The husband of one of our dear friends always “warns” us in whispered words when we arrive that “she’s having a terrible day.”  And he’s probably right.  Alzheimer’s is a difficult, progressive disease that puts his wife in a state of confusion and mistrust much of the time.  But when she sees our smiles, hears us say how glad we are to see her, and feels our comforting hugs, she welcomes us.  Lady-Links maintain that level of cheerfulness  throughout the visit and it makes a difference.   This is not new information…the psalmist wrote about this in Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine…”. Cheerfulness transitions into fun, and we do have fun at each of our visits!

Tip #2 – Build confidence.  Lady-Links visits include an activity that is carefully selected for each dear friend that we visit.  We know that she will be able to engage in the activity with success.  We have made an effort to choose something that is of interest specifically to her and is within her capabilities to contribute to its completion.  In some cases, this means that the craft we’re working on has been partially completed before the visit, allowing for the “easy” parts to be added during the visit.  With some of our dear friends we work on crafts, but we have other dear friends who either are not interested in crafts or they are at the stage in the progression of demenia that even the simplest craft would be too difficult.  With those friends, we have found other activities to build confidence such as through the use of music or with a “show and tell” of an object already made.

Tip #3 – Be complimentary.  Positive reinforcement works wonders with our dear friends.  We are generous with our compliments and work “behind the scenes” to be certain of a favorable outcome with our activities.  We guide, we encourage, and we model the behavior that we want duplicated.  Our conversation is uplifting and positive.  We do not correct when our dear friend makes a mistake.  We simply move forward, providing assistance.  During a visit when we were making flower arrangements, our dear friend placed one of the flowers in her coffee cup rather than in the vase.  I just happened to be taking a picture at the time and caught the mistake on camera (look carefully at the picture below).  When I sat down, I realized the mistake and simply said something like, “Let’s try this pretty flower in the vase with the others” and moved it there.  Then I followed up with a compliment, “Oh that looks beautiful.  What a great job you’ve done.”  I removed her coffee cup from the table and made a mental note that we needed to finish our refreshments before starting our activity to help avoid future mistakes.

Compliments can be as simple as a “great job” comment or by displaying what they have made and letting them see the effect their work has on others.  We have involved our dear friends in making cookies, filling bags with candy, and making valentines to give to others in our community for special holidays.  Always, the recepients have made delightful responses giving our dear friends positive reinforcement for something they have accomplished.   Compliments add value and respect to the lives of our dear friends.

Reassurance is simply a way of providing support that makes the person feel secure and significant. Cheerfulness, confidence-building, and giving compliments are ways you can invest in the lives of your friends with dementia to help reassure them.   When that happens, you’ll find that fear and doubt will be replaced with love and laughter.  We did!

 

 

Lady-Links…Linking Love, Laughter and Life 

 

 

Life can get into a boring rut unless we take steps to add interest to our daily routines.  Sometimes we just need to add a little spice whether it’s to our meals, our homes, or to our lives.

Adding “spice” to the life of a person with dementia is what we do at our Lady-Links visits.  We find areas of interest for each of our dear friends and then we create activities and projects that will be meaningful for them.  We visit once or twice a week engaging each dear friend in activities that she enjoys and can successfully complete.  Lady-Links are the “Spice of Life”  to four dear friends with dementia who live in our retirement community.  The following is a poem written by Dennie Lindsey to express appreciation to the Lady-Links for what they do to spice up the lives of these dear friends.

The Spice of Life

Cinnamon, nutmeg, and pumpkin spice

provide an aroma that will surely entice.

Spices add flavor to all that we eat

turning something unsavory into a treat.

But when the spice rack is empty and none can be found

that’s when Lady-Links arrive to change things around.

They smile, they laugh, and their joy will touch

a dear friend who needs to be uplifted so much.

Each visit is filled with a sweetness so bold

that it replaces the grocery-store spices of old.

This sweetness is a spice that never runs out

made from love and laughter when Lady-Links are about.

Thank you, Lady-Links, for the spices you impart

making a lasting impression on each dear friend’s heart.

Lady-Links add spice to their friends’ lives through the love, laughter, and joy they bring to each visit.  What about your friend or loved one with dementia?  Could they use a group of friends to add “spice” to their routine?  Our hope is that you will find inspiration through what we do at Lady-Links and copy our model of friendship visits so that those dear friends in your life will be valued, loved, appreciated by their own set of friends as they engage in activities that provide meaning and purpose to their lives.

Show and Tell.  We loved it as children because it gave us the opportunity to show others something that we made or that was special to us.

But we also love it as adults, really for the same reasons.  We have something special that is worth sharing, and we think there are those who would find it interesting.

For the “audience” a program is much more enticing when you know you will see something of interest rather than just hear about it.  That’s why programs, even for adults, that feature some type of visual presentation are much more popular than those without.  They’re not called Show and Tell anymore, but that’s what they really are!

Just think…would you rather hear about someone’s trip to the beach to collect seashells or would you rather see samples of their collection while they tell you of their adventure?  Which keeps you engaged more…hearing about how a unique piece of jewelry was made or seeing the jewelry as you listen to the explanation of its creation?

With one of our dear friends with dementia, we enjoy a time of show and tell with her each week.  We find items in our homes that would be of interest to her and bring them with us to our weekly visits.  The visits begin with enjoying refreshments and then transition into a time of sharing about what we brought.

We call this time together Girl Talk 2.  It is patterened after a monthly Ladies’ Coffee with a speaker that we have in our retirement community which is appropriately named Girl Talk.  With the community Girl Talk, there is one speaker who presents to an audience of about 20 to 30 ladies and whose presentation can last any where from 30 to 40 minutes.  It is a highly enjoyable event for those who attend.  But if you’re a person with dementia, it can be overwhelming.

We modified that large-group show and tell concept to something more appropriate for our dear friend.  We bring a few items of interest to her home, and she holds each item as we tell her about it.  We interact with her about what we’ve brought, following her train of thought, helping her relate to it in some meaningful way. Two or three Lady-Links visit her each week, engaging in a modified type of show and tell.

 

We can gear our discussion to our dear friend’s level of ability and understanding since we are not under the constraints that presenting to a large group would bring.

Girl Talk 2 has a purpose.  It is to engage our dear friend in a meaningful activity that promotes conversation and a sense of belonging.   She delights in our weekly visits, making comments and often connecting to memories that our items help her retrieve.

 

Later in the week, as we see her in and about our community, she will often bring up the subject of one of the items from the most recent Girl Talk 2 visit.  Her smiles, her comments, and her level of active engagement all confirm that Girl Talk 2 is a success, enriching her life and ours too!

Want to visit a friend with dementia, but don’t know how to make that visit meaningful?  Simply think “Show and Tell.”  What do you have that might be of interest to your dear friend?  Select a few items that can be held by your friend as you discuss them, one at a time.    You’ll find that your Show and Tell visit will stimulate conversation, help retrieve memories, and provide a delightful time of togetherness.  And it just might bring back some of  your own memories of when you a kid doing the same thing!

 

 

Music and Friends with Dementia.  What a great way to boost brain activity and have fun at the same time. Lady-Links visits often include music which is always a successful activity.  We listen to music and keep time with the beat, we sing-a-long to favorite songs, we dance, and we march.

The opportunity of having a Lady-Links group dedicated to musical activities became a reality when we met a retired music teacher with a piano and a set of chime bars in her apartment. This dear friend has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and her son and her social worker asked if we would begin visits to her.  That was the beginning of a delightful relationship with a new friend and a great way to focus on music each visit.

We let our dear friend “teach” us using song sheets she’s had for years and a set of resonator chime bars that she used with her students.

Although many of our Lady-Links hold degrees in music and are active in choirs and other musical groups, we work “behind the scenes” to make each visit successful.  Our dear friend assigns us one or two (sometimes three) of the song sheets and we locate the correct chime bars that go with the music we’ve been given.   Sometimes it is the other way around and she gives us the chime bar and we locate the appropriate song sheet.  We are flexible and follow her lead while quietly working to get things organized and in place.

Letting our friend set the pace and make the assignments has brought such enjoyment and feelings of significance to her life.  She feels she is making an important contribution to our community by teaching us a skill that we plan to share during events at our community where we will perform seasonal, faith-based,  or patriotic songs. And she is right!

 

What started out as a way to enrich her life has, in turn, enriched ours as well.  We love the weekly visits that are filled with laughter as we strike the wrong note or can’t find our place on the song sheet.  We just giggle and say we’re making a new song.  We’re like kids…we can’t wait to strike the bar because we want to hear what it sounds like…that’s when our dear friend laughs the most too.  She loves that we are having so much fun using something that is so meaningful to her.

Our music inspires conversation and links to memories.  Several of our group have actually seen the edelweiss flower as they traveled to Switzerland and Austria. Looking at pictures of the edelweiss gave special meaning to the song Edelweiss (from the Sound of Music)  that we sing and play each visit.  It is one of our favorites and one that we think we perform best.

One of the Lady-Links has a lovely replica of an edelweiss flower she brought home as a souvenier from Europe.  What a great connection to make to the song.

According to the alzheimers.net website, there are at least five reasons why researchers believe that music boosts brain activity:

1. Music evokes emotions that bring memories.  (We certainly saw that with the edelweiss flowers.)
2. Musical aptitude and appreciation are two of the last remaining abilities in dementia patients. (Our dear friend can still play the piano and can recognize when we strike the wrong chime bar.  However, the great news is that this doesn’t cause her to become frustrated.  She laughs and tells us to ‘shape up’ and ‘get with it.’)
3. Music can bring emotional and physical closeness. (Although our dear friend can’t recall each of our names, she recognizes us when we are out and about in our community.  Her socialization skills have improved and she smiles and interacts much more, even away from the visits.)
4. Singing is engaging.  (Wow…this is so true.  She relates to conversation where before she didn’t.  She can tease and joke, and she has fun!  She loves being the hostess and “teacher” for our visits).
5. Music can shift mood, manage stress and stimulate positive interactions.  (Her music and chime bars had been packed away since the recent death of her husband.  He previously had been the one to help her manage the song sheets and the chime bars and she was unable to use her musical skills without organizational help. When we approached her with the request that we wanted to learn to use the chime bars, she was delighted but hesitant.  We said, “Let’s just try” and that one try, which was our first visit, was so enjoyable and rewarding to her (and to us too) that she quickly agreed to continue to host our weekly sessions.

Lady-Links is organized with each dear friend in mind.  Our visits are designed according to her interests, skills, and abilities.  We have four current groups, the musical group described here, a group that does crafts, a group that engages in physical activities such as dancing, aerobics or balloon toss, and a group that shares conversation about selected topics which are being made into a keepsake memory book. Although each group is different because each dear friend is different, there is one overall theme:  they all deserve to have activities that create meaning in their life and to find reasons to laugh, rejoice, and love.

 

Lady-Links have reason to celebrate, and you can get a sense of the joy and excitement we shared at our Second Anniversary Party by watching this video.   In the past two years, we have made almost 300 visits bringing love and laughter into the lives of five dear ladies, all of whom are diagnosed with some type of dementia.  Celebrate with us as you watch!

Lady-Links is an organization composed of ladies who visit their friends with dementia, engaging them in activities they can enjoy and successfully complete.  We just celebrated two years of service and acknowledged how our group has grown from visiting one friend to visiting five friends.  It was an Anniversary Party that resulted in love and laughter as we shared memories from our visits.

Lady-Links began when the husband of a person with Alzheimer’s dementia expressed the desire for ladies to visit his wife to help with her adjustment to their recent move to a retirement community.  That simple request sparked the idea for Lady-Links and the friendship visits we make.  Going in groups of two or three to visit our dear friend in her apartment proved to be delightful for both our friend and for us.  Her entire emotional outlook changed, her social skills improved, and she recaptured some of her cognitive skills such as occasionally reading aloud the verses on the cards we made.

During the past two years, we have made over 200 friendship visits to this dear friend, and have followed her from Independent Living to Memory Care where we continue to visit her regularly and enjoy participating in activities with her in that setting.  She enjoyed the Anniversary Party and her Lady-Links are like family to her, as she is to us.

 

In addition to our original dear friend, we have three other dear friends we are currently visiting. All were able to come to our Anniversary Party to celebrate.

The cake and punch helped make our celebration a festive occasion.

During the celebration we had time to share memories, love and laughter as we reflected over the past two years.  Our original intent is the same.  We provide friendship visits to one individual at a time, focusing on her interests and abilities.  We engage our friends in a variety of activities that help stimulate social skills and help make them feel a sense of value and significance.  In addition to  over 200 visits to our original dear friend, we have made over 80 visits to the others.  Each visit is carefully planned and coordinated so that it will engage the dear friend we’re visiting in a meaningful way.

One of the groups is a Music Group that we call the Lady La-Las.  We play hand chimes and sing while our dear friend who used to be a music teacher plays the piano and directs us.

We currently have one craft group, but previously had two until one of our dear friends with vascular dementia passed away.

 

The last group is a Making Memories group.  We enjoy focusing on our dear friend’s answers while we all share memories in response to select questions.

We would love to help you begin a Lady-Links group with your friends who have dementia. You can find plenty of information to start a group by reading through the categories on this website, many of which are “how to” posts.  If you have questions, don’t hesitate to contact us.

Your visits can make a significant difference in the lives of your friends, and you’ll find that you will enjoy the visits as much as they do.  People with dementia deserve to continue to have activities that create meaning in their lives and to find reasons to laugh, love, and rejoice.  You can make that happen, and one day you’ll be celebrating an anniversary of friendship visits just like we did.

 

Grandchildren benefit from a healthy relationship with grandparents that brings significance and security into their lives during their formative years. Grandparents benefit by knowing that they still matter and are needed for who they are, not for their achievements which are quickly diminishing as they face their twilight years. Enjoying activities together is a mutually beneficial situation for both grandparent and grandchild.

Today because we are living longer it is not uncommon for children to have grandparents and great-grandparents still alive.  As a result, it is not unusual to find Alzheimer’s or a related dementia in many families. 

 

According to the Alzheimer’s Association, 1 in 9 Americans over the age of 65 has Alzheimer’s and one-third of Americans over age 85 are afflicted with the illness.  Should these grandparents and great-grandparents be any less important to their grandchildren than those without Alzheimer’s or a related dementia?  Of course not.

Those grandparents with dementias can continue to contribute to the emotional security and significance of their grandchildren.  It is important to remember that the confusion/memory loss/cognitive decline doesn’t define who the person really is.  Their character, experiences, faith, and temperament still have significant contributions to make to others, including their grandchildren.

And in return, the grandparents with dementia continue to deserve to have experiences in their lives that create meaning and to find reasons to laugh, rejoice and love.  What better way to achieve this than with a grandchild?  It just takes a little help from you, the parent of the child, to make it work.

TIPS FOR PROMOTING LASTING LINKS BETWEEN KIDS AND THEIR GRANDPARENT WITH DEMENTIA

1. Prepare your child for what to expect.  Talk honestly with your child about his or her grandparent.  Use age-appropriate language to explain that the grandparent’s unusual behavior, such as asking the same question several times, is part of an illness.  Let them know that this is not an illness that they can catch or that they caused.
2. Prepare yourself for what to expect by becoming educated on the nature and progression of the dementia.  Grandpa may have been a scratch golfer in his day but to play 18 holes at your local club now would be overwhelming.  A better choice of activity would be going to the driving range, a putting green or to a miniature golf course.  If that is too much, try Wii Golf or one of the putting cups that can be used at home.   
3. Prepare activities that both the child and the grandparent will enjoy doing together and can successfully complete.  Grandpa may have organized deep sea fishing trips for the whole family at one time, but today his love for fishing can be acknowledged in a more realistic setting like fishing from the bank.  Have the rod and reel ready to be used so that the activity can be easily accomplished. Be sure to have several backups handy so he doesn’t have to try to untangle a backlash or replace a lure on the spot.  Grandpa may not have the skills to work quickly under pressure as he once did.  Prepare ahead of time for that possibility and have what is needed readily available.
4. Prepare to supervise as needed.  Stay close enough to assist if needed, but not so close that you are an active participant.  Remember, this is bonding time for the grandparent and grandchild, but because of the effects of the dementia, you will want to be alert and available.  
5. Prepare to be amazed as you witness links developing between the grandchild and the grandparent in areas of belongingness, togetherness, significance, security and fun! 

Preparation is the key.  Prepare your child, yourself, and the activities.  When you do, you will be helping to create links that last a lifetime. 

Dennie Lindsey is the creator and administrator of Lady-Links, a group that makes visits to friends who have dementia.  She produces a newsletter, a FaceBook page and this website, all designed to promote an understanding and awareness of the types of activities that can be used successfully with those who have dementia.   

To read the entire original post about grandchildren connecting with grandparents who have dementia that Dennie Lindsey wrote click here.